The Shame of the Not Clean & Organized Home
I have a lot of deeply buried shame around the cleanliness and organization of my homes. And I can tell you exactly where I comes from.
Growing up I had terrible time keeping my room clean*. My father constantly berated me for it, to the point where I can remember giving up and just hiding what items I could under the bed or in my closet. Whatever I could do to hide it, I learned it.
Now, I could have likely used the same energy to do the actual cleaning, but I can tell you I did not have the confidence to believe that I could.
In college if my parents stopped by, all I could hear was how unkempt I was. As an adult, it was the same.
My ex-husband used to stroke out about the drool from his dog being on the walls. Granted, I won’t lie, it was gross. But I also failed to understand how it was my fault (it wasn’t) and why I had to spend my days scrubbing walls.
It’s a criticism that even today gives me a visceral, stomach turning reaction anytime I hear it. I automatically shut down emotionally and tune out what is being said to me. It feels like a very personal insult.
And yet… SO many social media posts are out there. Being the perfect mom means just being there for your kids. Your kids won’t remember if you kept a clean house. Over and over again. I believe these things to be true. I believe what they really want are cuddles and hugs and conversation.
But I can’t help but to see… everything in front of me that is wrong. The exhaustion from bringing in two teens and a baby at night from the car. Cleaning the small amounts of dishes that there are, bathing the baby and reminding the teens to PLEASE pick up their rooms. The pure exhaustion that comes from it all along with working and all the rest.
And through it all, feeling like no one can see me. Or hear me. Or even care. It’s probably not true, but the emotion is still there.
Then there is tomorrow to do it all again. But before tomorrow… there’s a snuggly baby, a teenager saying thank you, another teenager celebrating a win with you.
Tomorrow I’ll do it again, but those little ones (even the not so little ones)… they make the exhaustion worth it.
*clean in this context means free of clutter… I don’t have issues with the actual CLEANING of the house, more the organization
**post photo from Psychology Today:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-good-life/201207/home-clutter-confusion-and-chaos
