I’m Happy…. I think?

I had this moment in the grocery store the other day- just an ordinary, every day moment, and I thought to myself: I’m happy. Or, I’m content? It’s a funny place for me because I haven’t been here in a while. I’m financially sound, my kids are happy, we have a home and food and… there’s just not much I’m wanting for in life.

Now the weird thing about this isn’t that I’m happy per se, it’s that there are things I don’t have that in the past would have bothered me. I don’t have “a man” or a relationship and… this might be the longest I’ve been single in a long time? There was a time when that would leave me in tears wondering what would come of me, because while I was raised to believe I could be whatever I wanted to be it was always with the caveat of “but you need to be married”. It was never said out loud but the subtext was there.

When my aunt went out West to go off and have adventure the thing that some family members would say was “oh but she’s not married why is she doing that?” Or another family member stuck in what was obviously a miserable marriage: well you just don’t see how he loves me.

For so long I was taught that in order to be “happy” one had to be paired, to be with another… being alone did not stand to equate to happiness.

Although, I am not alone, not really. I have my children. I have my friends. My church community.

I was taught I had to live in the “right” neighborhood- and here I am, back on the street where I grew up- and couldn’t be happier.

I also find it’s much easier to let “small” things go. The other morning someone in a black Audi passed me in a school zone- using the turning lane to do so. Not going to lie, once we were at the light I took a photo of her car, tempted to publicly shame. And again this morning, but this time a Volkswagon- and not in a school zone. Again tempted to publicly shame out of frustration.

But it quickly dissipated. What would this actually accomplish? Would it send a message to the violators? Maybe? Or was it more likely to cause a moment of public derision at the expense of someone at what could have been their worst moments? Sure, people shouldn’t do these things- especially because it could hurt someone. However, where we are in society these days… I’m afraid many do not think of others. And so, my own small way of doing so is to try my best to grant inner grace.

This is of course made easier when having inner peace to begin with, perhaps even happy?

It sometimes makes me catch my breath to think about it, even momentarily second guessing it.

Things are so extraordinarily good right now- I’m so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, perhaps even both.

There’s a lot of things I can attribute it to- taking an anti-depressant regularly is one practical item, more tangible; one that’s a bit more esoteric- though it shouldn’t be- is the inner peace that has come with prayer and yoga and all that surrounds it. It’s taken years of work, starting with my own regular yoga practice back in 2017- getting licensed in 2020- and returning to the community of in person church. Which then led to licensed lay ministry and a community with it that I could have never predicted.

There’s so many things that I could just wallow in and be miserable. But the truth is that I am exactly where I prayed to be not so long ago, yes I worked extraordinarily hard- I have a regular full time job, I also have multiple businesses… and as any business owner knows, that doesn’t mean they’re completely profitable. But I am able to live comfortably. I don’t have to worry about a roof over my head, or food on my table.

The tables and chairs that God removed for me were ones that I was not meant to sit in. I am where I am supposed to be, and every bump and rock and hard place is what forged me to be able to sit here in gratitude.

And in the moments when I start to hesitate and catch my breath and think about that other shoe- I remind myself: I have friendships, I have security, and I have love. This is happiness.