Baby’s First Vibrator Party

Whether they admit it or not, women masturbate. Sometimes it’s just something that must be done, whether it’s for our own sake or our partners’. We are sexual beings: Cosmopolitan is the number one women’s magazine in the world for a reason. However, flipping through an issue won’t tell us how something feels or if we’ll even like it; enter people like Lynn Forgue, a Pure Romance consultant.

I pretty much pounced at the opportunity when I received a Facebook invitation to a friend’s Pure Romance party a few weeks ago. I mean, why not? There would be free wine, and I figured I’d learn a thing or two. Mostly, I knew I could get some answers for questions I didn’t dare ask without feeling embarrassed or worrying about people accessing my browser history.

The Thursday after Valentine’s Day was frigid as fuck for Georgia, with temperatures in the teens. Why brave the outdoors when we could mess around with vibrators and drink for free? The chocolate fountain overflowed and bottles of Aldi wine (We drank 10 bottles that night.) By the time Lynn showed up, we were imbibed and ready for the demonstration.

First, she gave us a talk. Not The Talk, of course, because she cracked jokes and gave us the straight up facts: sex isn’t as good as it could be for women, but a little help makes a huge difference. Some of Lynn’s clients had been committed for years and never experienced an orgasm. The products she sold helped marriages on the brink of divorce do a 180. Pure Romance has saved relationships and changed lives. Now that the tension had faded, it was time to break the ice. Everyone was handed a note card and delivered instructions: after writing down our names, favorite body part (both ourselves and who we’re attracted to), celebrity crush and favorite words, we placed the card atop our heads and drew our ideal penises or vaginas. The cards turned out to be a Mad Libs game that resulted in several instances of the guests rubbing butts with Ian Somerhalder while screaming out “iconic!” in Tahiti and laughing at the crudely drawn genitals.

When it came to the Pure Romance presentation, Lynn eased us in gently. She started with lotions with suggestive names like Coochy (which smells great, by the way) and bubble bath, progressing seamlessly to the lubricants. Nothing tastes worse than a sweaty penis, Lynn said, but when it tastes like strawberries or toffee, going down gets a little easier. Then, she scared us with science: women often start intercourse before they’re completely aroused (big surprise), leaving the vagina vulnerable. It’s kind of like having a baby: homegirl needs to stretch. If it isn’t fully prepared or at least lubed up, it’s prone to damage like irritation, tears and pulling. So please, she insisted, take care of your vagina or you will get mud flaps. And we promised.

After that, the vibrators came out and things got interesting. Lynn started with the bullets, which she called the ideal first vibrator. We tested the products on tips of our noses, an equally sensitive substitute. Since a massive cold front had moved in a few days earlier and given many of us colds, our faces were really tingling. One of us even had a nosegasm.

The room buzzed. We passed the vibrators around, mystified. Some were silicone; some had stimulators shaped like birds and butterflies; some came in matching sets; some even lit up. There were a few models that frightened us, like the massive, whirring T.O.M. (Triple Orgasm Machine). We learned a lot: if you suddenly feel like you have to pee, then it means you’ve found your g spot, baked brie tastes fantastic dipped in melted chocolate and Pure Romance’s top seller is the Super Stretch, a blow job simulator made out of jelly.

Then came the part that changed lives: Lynn retreated to a separate room where she sold the products and offered counsel to individual party goers. We voiced our concerns, guarded by privacy and trust. Lynn even helped out the broke girls by giving out clandestine samples. That night, Pure Romance made more than $600.

How have our lives been since the party? Well, smoother, more satisfying and liberating. We have freed ourselves from Tinder and awkward hookups, at least to some degree. We can restore our relationships with our partners, ourselves, and our sexuality, and for that we are forever changed.