Letting Go of Fear to Let In Kindness

There are some things in my life happening here lately which are causing me to thinking deeply, or rather critically- as my studies at Mercer would like for me to call it.

This time next week, I will be 31 years old. Gross.

This time ten years ago, I was of course turning 21. I still have the dress I wore the night of my birthday. I will admit, I was a bit of a spoiled princess at that time in my life. I had amazing friends, I lived in Athens but spent my weekends in Macon with my law student boyfriend, parents paid my bills, didn’t really know where I was going with my academic career- I had a vague idea of eventually completing a degree in political science but the politics bug hadn’t quite bitten me yet. I kind of figured I would just go to law school. I had no idea that ten years from that moment I would be 31 years old, divorced and have two kids- trying to support them on my own with no financial support. Oh and I would just then be finishing my degree.

I think about these things for a few reasons, one- my final essay to graduate requires it of me and two- something about ones birthday makes one reflect back. Or at least it does for me.

Even just this past year, so much has changed. I’ve had two jobs change over, started a business, gotten that much closer to finishing college, watched my son start pre-kindergarten, watched my daughter grow even sassier that I could have expected, and gotten more involved in my community than I could have ever expected. But who I am inside has changed as well.

You see, for all of the good in my life there is still a lot of ugly.

I have someone in my life who insists on acting the part of the bully. This person sent me texts last night, this is just one example, that if I came to the Bootsy concert this person would stand in front of the Cox and yell at me. I could post the screenshots to prove it, but I won’t. This is just one example of the ugly I receive.

Today is All Saint’s Sunday in church. The sermon was on how we are all saints, we are all called upon to be open to the grace our Lord gives us. I think this is why, or one reason why, over and over I try to forgive this bully in my life. I may not behave in the way this bully wants me to, in fact there are many times in which I am stubborn as hell and react in the opposite way JUST to show this person that cannot and will not control me. Hell last night was a great example, I did not plan on going to the concert but then decided to take the student journalist I was meeting up with to the concert- to show her something she could cover sometime if she wanted to. In doing so, I not only stood up to my bully, but I also took my mentoring position a step further and got to see this college freshman react with genuine awe at the musical offerings we have here in Macon. I also let go of the fear I sometimes hold in my heart of what might happen if I don’t behave in the ways I am warned that I should.

Something else I did not fully realize at 21 was the impact our simple acts of kindness can have on someone. Taking the time to say hello, to offer a smile, a kind word. Today in church I was approached by someone, who told me that her daughter asked she tell me how much some kind words I offered meant to her a long time ago. This fellow parishioner could not remember the specific instance that her daughter referred to, only that it had an impact.

I am not a perfect person, far from it in fact. But over the past year, I believe I have improved myself in many varied ways. I am more patient with my children and am taking more time to cherish the little moments with them, I am finishing my college degree and applying to graduate school, I am learning how I can teach others, I am becoming a better citizen- the one I owe it to this city to be, and I am learning how I can both stand up to the bullies in my life- to live without fear- because it is in fact living without fear that can allow me the openness in my heart to be kind to others.

I will leave you with the lyrics to one of the hymns we sang in church today.

Love to all y’all,

Molly

I sing a song of the saints of God,
Patient and brave and true,
Who toiled and fought and lived and died
For the Lord they loved and knew.
And one was a doctor, and one was a queen,
And one was a shepherdess on the green;
They were all of them saints of God, and I mean,
God helping, to be one too.

They loved their Lord so dear, so dear,
And his love made them strong;
And they followed the right for Jesus’ sake
The whole of their good lives long.
And one was a soldier, and one was a priest,
And one was slain by a fierce wild beast;
And there’s not any reason, no, not the least,
Why I shouldn’t be one too.

They lived not only in ages past,
There are hundreds of thousands still.
The world is bright with the joyous saints
Who love to do Jesus’ will.
You can meet them in school, or in lanes, or at sea,
In church, or in trains, or in shops, or at tea;
For the saints of God are just folk like me,
And I mean to be one too.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Sing_a_Song_of_the_Saints_of_God