Finding Your Tribe

It’s a special set of people who can pull you out of a funk. Especially the funk I’ve been in. Losing two clients, and roughly half of your monthly income, then your boyfriend who told you he was in love with you and wanted to marry you breaks up with you over the holiday (second time around- too- I mean we’ve known each other nearly 3 years now so I figured surely he meant it this time), and realizing you’re most likely going to have to find a job outside of your own business…. and then having a custody/visitation mix-up with your ex husband and having to drive nearly 8 hours in one day to get your kids…. it’s enough to break anyone.

 

But in spite of all of this, I’m really lucky.

 

I was in a massive funk due to all of the above for about a month, and really was dreading going to a party last night. But I thought that I really needed to. For one, I had accepted a ticket to a concert after from the hostess- and it would be rude to not at least go and let her know I couldn’t attend the concert. Two, I knew there was the chance to see some really good friends and potentially get me out of my funk. Three, the host and hostess are amazing people and it was the host’s birthday. The cons? There was also the chance to see some people that I really feel uncomfortable around. And I was exhausted from the unexpected traveling that day. But, the fear of being rude and the hope of getting out of my funk prevailed. I was going.

 

It’s a little known fact that I sometimes have social anxiety. It comes from being a shy kid who, until about the 11th grade, had no idea how to interact with most of the peers my age. I was definitely *not* one of the popular kids. My outlets were playing recreational softball (badly) and theater. It was through softball, which got me around kids not at my school, and theater, which allowed me to act outs characters braver than myself, that I would start to emerge.

 

But it wasn’t until the past year or so that I really found my tribe. There’s an article floating around social media occasionally by Pamela Druckerman called “What Your Learn in Your 40’s” and it’s published in the New York Times. She speaks of many things, but one that resonated with me was that you find your tribe:

 

But you find your tribe. Jerry Seinfeld said in an interview last year that his favorite part of the Emmy Awards was when the comedy writers went onstage to collect their prize. “You see these gnome-like cretins, just kind of all misshapen. And I go, ‘This is me. This is who I am. That’s my group.’ ” By your 40s, you don’t want to be with the cool people; you want to be with your people. (http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/01/opinion/sunday/what-you-learn-in-your-40s.html?_r=0)

 

I realized that my tribe, the people I really connect with as an adult, are many times the people that I might have given the side eye to once I learned how to be “cool” as an eleventh grader and continued to replicate through college and even some parts of early adulthood. People who talk about Darth Vader and Star Wars during a party, or who obsessively keep up with Doctor Who (I’m just starting it!!!), or can intelligently speak of complicated social matters. And the biggest shock of all: many times, they are politically liberal.

 

These are the people I saw last night, when I was feeling at one of my lowest moments and even had anxiety about attending, who without even knowing it- without any effort on their part- pulled me up and out of my funk. I didn’t over-do it, I was only there perhaps an hour. And afterwards, I went home and played a lively game of Candy Land with my kids. And then, as they fell asleep cuddled up next to me, I watched Gilmore Girls for a few hours before falling asleep myself. In the bottom bunk- with both kids. It might have been a little bit cramped, ok a lot cramped, but it was perfect. The whole night was.

 

These are the people who helped me see that I’m going to be ok. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, my kids are in a great school, and I’m doing new contract work for a new client. The boy who initially broke my heart on Thanksgiving when he told me he didn’t want to marry me anymore, and then the relationship spiraled downhill for another whole month, I realize he is just broken like so many of us. I thought that I loved him more than myself, and maybe some day later I can tell y’all more about that- when I know how I can write about it without taking away from the positive we did have, but I’m realizing now that you can’t love someone like that when they don’t love you the same way. I’m still grateful we reconciled, because up until he reached out to me, we weren’t speaking. And it’s good to have someone in your life who knows even your dark parts. But we clearly were not meant to be, and that’s ok, and even more importantly- I’m ok with it.

 

But last night, it was my tribe who helped me see all of this. The people who are both cool and nerdy, who love giving back to this town of Macon, Georgia, who listen to live music, and host parties for all of their friends in their home- always welcoming us in, the people who laugh about Twitter feeds, and who discuss their Yoda Christmas ornaments. People who are fellow writers, creatives, dreamers and doers. And they likely have no idea how much they mean to me, whether we hang out often or not, and what they did for me last night. This is my thank you to them.

 

This is my tribe, that doesn’t mean it should be yours. Every person needs a different group of people who help them realize they are a whole, valued person. Not to make them whole, but to let us know that we are whole all on our own and we are loved. For being just who we are. I’m so grateful to have found them at 32, rather than in my 40’s, and for that- I feel like I am ahead of the game.

 

I hope that each of you can find this, if you haven’t already. Finding your tribe isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.

 

Love to all y’all,

 

Molly

 

Note: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention there were others who helped as well. Dear friends who I trusted to tell first when it all started to fall apart, who called, who texted, and checked on me all during the past month. They are also a part of my tribe, no matter where they are physically. Love you ladies!