Faith & Dating & Intention – Loving Others (And Myself) As God Taught Us

There was a time in this website/blog history that I would post syndicated columns that a friend of mine wrote for another website- they were about dating and sex in Athens, Georgia.

The stories themselves were and still are absolutely hilarious, and they’re from a more carefree time in my life. Though none of the stories are about me (I swear!) I was always entertained by them.

I reflect back on them now because I had a moment the other day when I looked around and thought: wow, I really do have everything I’ve prayed for: I live in my grandparents beautiful house, my kids are doing well in school, I have the job I prayed for even a few months ago, I have this growing role in my church and I feel fulfilled in so many ways. I have even written here about how happy I am– but there was something still missing.

That part is a romantic partner. Now, I know I can live life without one and be perfectly happy, but I would like to have that. And it was in that moment that I realized… I don’t think this is something I have intentionally prayed about.

It was like a light came on.

I have taken about two years off of the active dating scene before rather recently jumping back in. It’s an interesting process these days, and I see so many discussions about it online as well as amongst my friends. For something that can have such large consequences on one’s life- I have seen it said that choosing the correct partner can have the largest financial impact on your life– why haven’t I actively prayed about it?

I think some of this could be that so much of what I have seen about praying for one’s future husband/spouse seems rooted in problematic evangelical theology. But, if you take that lens away, it seems to make more sense to really root this type of search in prayer.

Do I think dating will be made any easier by going this route? Honestly- no. In fact, I think it’ll be harder. I don’t ascribe to a faith that practices hating others- in any way. Or ourselves. Which bring me to the newest book I’ve bought and have started reading… God Didn’t Make Us To Hate Us.

Rev. Lizzie, author of this book, writes about how “bad theology has its roots in thinking God hates us: homophobia and transphobia, racism and misogyny, ableism and classism all stem from an anxiety created by the idea that God hates us and that we must repair this breach by receiving the forgiveness He offers, begrudgingly” (God Didn’t Make Us to Hate Us, xii).

Rev. Lizzie works to deconstruct so much of what has become ugly in our faith- and while the verse “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth” (Psalms 139:14-16) is a favorite that I cling to- I still appreciate the breaking down of all the ways God did not make us to hate us.

And if God did not make me to hate me, then that also extends to others- and it extends to what I should pray for and expect in my relationships- romantic as well as platonic. Just as I am to pray for my enemies, and to stop hating others, I have to love myself.

I have known this for some time now, and it becomes more clear as I study it more, but I had never quite thought to apply it in my dating life.

So, how to move forward from here? I’m not exactly sure. But I do know that I will stop being afraid to talk about my faith, actively, as I date. And I will stop being afraid to say that God is at the center of my dating world, and that I expect that kind of love and respect from a partner as well.