More Than What You See

I saw a lot of signs of God’s love for me this week

It came at a time when I felt so incredibly low, that no one could ever love me

You see, something I have struggled with for a while is feeling that way. After my divorce, social media allowed me to come out of my shell- a shell in which I had been placed, to be made to feel I needed to stay quiet. This even while writing a popular fashion column

And so I started my own website, a spin-off of the column. The modeling happened because I couldn’t afford models- and I discovered that people LIKED my photos

A following grew and from there I found a new confidence. But what I also discovered was a flip side, and this isn’t to rail against the evils of social media… it’s about human connection. How so many people would see this outside shell of me that I presented to the world, this pressure I felt to be perfect not because of others but because there was a person out there constantly telling me I was horrible. A slut. Someone who dated too much. Who craved attention. The reality was, this person was jealous I didn’t want him. 

But each breakup or other heartbreak or family conflict would cause me to believe that I was worthless, that those who loved me the most were those who only knew a small part of me…. And those who were closest knew the true me, the one that was dirty and bad.

Every now and then, that terrible voice still creeps in and eats away at my self worth…. despite having an amazing boyfriend and wonderful children and friends…

But what I learned this week, even in some of my darkest days of self doubt, is that I’m loved. First, as a daughter of God. More signs came from prayer, aided by praying with my favorite Saints: Jude & Anthony, for the miracles I needed. It came in the form of a billboard on the interstate saying “You Are Braver than You Believe”. It came in finding a CD long lost, the CD with the sermon from 2009- that I heard in church and the burden of being told God hated me was literally lifted from my being. It came in meeting with Jake Hall from Highland Hills who told me to give him my past heartbreaks, and carry them no more. It came from my boyfriend, who has always said I am wonderfully made. And from my children, who are always and will always be my reason for continuing on. 

I know so many out there are not religious and this isn’t about religion, it’s about love. I find it so easy to love others but not so much myself. My friend and minister Jake reminded me that I do more good than just putting pretty photos up on social media, that I DO have a gift of communication. A real gift, and it is God given. My gifts are to be celebrated, and they are a part of what makes me a beautiful daughter of God. But even if I didn’t have those gifts, me, as I am, raw … I am enough to be loved.

I say all of this because if you are feeling the same way- please take this as your sign that you are loved. No matter if you believe in the same God as me or something else or nothing else… you are LOVED. You are valued. You have a place. Take this as your digital hug from me to you.