What We’re All Looking For: A Resolution for 2014

Sunday’s are usually my days for introspective, thought provoking posts. I reserve the right to do this a day early. I started this on Saturday- and then I fell asleep. So it’s actually getting posted on Sunday. Whoops.

The other night, I had an eye opening conversation with a friend of mine. He told me about wanting to find love, to find that person who he is supposed to be with. He had asked me what I was looking for in someone, and I’m always so hesitant to answer questions like that. I’m not exactly sure why I’m so shy about it. I had no problem detailing that it’s difficult to find men that can handle the fact that I have a *lot* going on, and I am told I am intimidating (I’m also not the only one of my over=achieving girlfriends to go through this, I know many lovely women who I greatly admire who hear the same thing). When I detailed that I was looking for someone who would could handle that aspect of my life and who was willing and able to work around my crazy schedule, my friend replied with “well that doesn’t sound very hard- the dating pool in Macon must be small”. He would then go on to say something I found rather surprising, from a guy, that the first thing he needed in someone was to feel the fireworks. I think I’m coming somewhat close to quoting him when I say this: to have that feeling when you meet someone who isn’t just your friend but your best friend.

It reminded me of something that my friend Saralyn also posted on Facebook the other day, that there are those people in our lives- whether we are romantically connected to them or not- that we know are special friends of ours, that get the insides of us without explanation. And that those people are special and worth hanging on to.

Why was it hard for me to say that, the fact that I want the fireworks, off of the jump myself? I know I want that as well, but it wasn’t the first thing I thought of to say. I suspect it’s because in the aftermath of a brutally ugly divorce and the realization that fairy tales are not to easy to achieve- to admit that one still wants it is to admit vulnerability.

What’s wrong with vulnerability? I think it’s because we are taught so many conflicting messages, especially as young ladies, that we are to walk a fine line between being strong independent women as well as… well… having feelings I guess. I struggle to even put the proper words to it.

A moment ago I read a blog post from one of my favorite writers, Chris Horne. I always love to read the way he writes about his wife and daughter. I admire how he can be so up front about how much he loves them. His frankness in expressing his love for them is not much different than the frankness my friend expressed in our conversation, and it is something to be admired.

I think also, dating is a lot harder these days. People come in to relationships only with the knowledge and experience that they themselves have already had- this has always been the case but I also think we’re less willing to grow and learn with our partners these days.

So, why is it so hard to admit that we all want this as well? I realized that while having this conversation with my friend last night. He spoke in such a genuine way about this, without coming across as despirate or scary. I think that’s why we get so scared, afraid of the judgments of others. Is this why we have a hard time admitting these things out loud? I would suspect as much, with as many times as we see people making judgements- online or through conversations- referring to people as “crazy” in the way they pursue relationships.

That’s not to say that there aren’t people out there who are, how can I say this, perhaps pursuing relationships in a way that is not conducive to maintaining one. But perhaps sometimes we are too judgmental of others for simply wanting what we all want. And what’s the problem in admitting that?

What also stunned me about the conversation with my friend about this was that he was so frank about it- so genuine. Let’s be honest, we have all been around that person- guy or girl- who you can tell very much wants to get married like RIGHT NOW and it pretty much makes you want to run in the other direction as fast as your feet can carry you. And yet my friend didn’t come across this way. It was simply how he felt, very matter of fact. And it was something that I have always felt the same way about- but have been afraid to say out loud. Maybe also because, especially of late, I have well-meaning friends say to me (when they ask if I am dating- and yes I’ve had some pretty awesome interesting first dates as of late) “you will find someone”. Thing is- I’m not just looking for someone. I don’t know that I’m necessarily “looking” either- I’m just trying to be open to running across someone when the time is right.

With all of this being said, I think I can finally admit that I do want the fireworks- that instantaneous spark you feel when you know you have met someone special who will make an everlasting mark on your life- for however long they may be in it. And it’s not that I never knew I wanted that, I always knew it but now I have the courage to admit it and say it out loud. To not be ashamed or embarrassed of admitting that someday I do want that kind of love. It was silly for it to be so hard before because after all, who doesn’t want to be loved? Who doesn’t want the kind of love that will lie to preserve a genuine surprise? The kind that will go running after you in the rain just to give you a kiss- the kind of love that they write novels and songs about, the kind of love that will never end even when the body may perish.

There’s a reason why we love the cheesy love movies and books, because deep down we want to believe that these things exist- even if not for ourselves at least for someone else. But really- shouldn’t we all be looking for it for ourselves? Even in those who have been married for years and feel like the fireworks have gone away, there’s a way to get them back. To fall back in love over and over again.

It also reminds me of my all time favorite passage in the Bible, 1 John 4:7-21:

7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot[a] love God whom he has not seen. 21 Andthis commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother. (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+4%3A7-21&version=ESV)

There is NO fear in love. I believe God wishes us these fireworks in our lives as well. I’m going to do my best to move forward with no fear, to bring those in to my life- romantically or otherwise- who love me as I am. This is my resolution for the new year, and this past year I have been rather successful at weeding out those who only hate. For 2014- I march forward towards this which I believe we all should have, without fear.

Love to all y’all,

Molly