Sentimental About the End

Is there a cute teacher gift tag that says “I know y’all are happy we’re gone- don’t worry, we are too! But thanks for everything!” If there is, I needed it for my end of the year gifts.

What a beast of a year. It wasn’t just the pandemic that made it weird, but this worldwide awakening of everything happening around us. In my home, we had a lot of conversations about what was happening out there. I don’t believe in sugar coating the facts, but instead of putting them in a context that my 11 and 12 year olds could understand.

The result of that was our school year started with more awareness of the injustice around us, with me deciding to block another parent from the school from my personal social media based on things they posted to their own personal social media. It was a way to preserve my own peace and hope to mitigate any future interactions, but I wondered if that would then play out poorly in the year. (Spoiler alert: it did, with the child of this person telling one of my children that her mother was mad at me.) A school year where parents would take screenshots of things posted to personal social media, emailing it in to principals. (This didn’t just happen to me- or at our school- so I find it an interesting phenomenon.)

Add to that basic human communications being cut off, without being able to see each other face to face, or to be able to have casual conversations in the hallways as children were dropped off and it was a recipe ripe for disconnect. Not just with our teachers, but also with other parents. So much about communications and relationships are based on moments where we can see and read each other, and empathize with what someone is going through- even if we don’t know it, but can see it by the anguish they are carrying. I had so enjoyed getting to know those parents, and missed being able to see them this year. Trying to organize casual get togethers is all the more awkward when you can’t run into someone in the carpool lines.

I’m sentimental about it all the end of this school year. I’m finishing my second academic year working in a school. I’ve watched the students grow, mature, learn. The buildings won’t be the same without them. My role keeps me here during the summers, and it is so quiet without them.

Personally as well it’s a bittersweet ending to the year, as my kids will be embarking on different schools next year for each child. Each end of the school year has been bittersweet in some way- last year was so hard because it ended with them having been out ever since Spring Break. We didn’t quite get the goodbyes that we ordinarily would have, and communications with teachers and friends were so disjointed and weird.

We loved our school so much, and this year we felt so disconnected from it all, especially with the choice by my childrens doctor that it was best they finish out the year at home. No ways to say goodbye to friends, so many they won’t see again for perhaps a few years- if ever.

This year my kids didn’t get the usual end of the year parties, the chance to say goodbye to their friends, as we are finished early with doctors excuses to be out. I had so many hopes for this year, and the whole time it felt like we were on one cruel rollercoaster ride- with more lows than highs. I wanted so much to end on a high note. Neither of my kids cared, but for me I really missed this for them, seeing all of the photos friends posted on social media.

I am grateful, but exhausted. I have to wonder how many other parents feel the same way as me? What other factors have made this year so much harder than it had to be? I carried this load alone for half of the pandemic, until I started dating my boyfriend- who has been a lifesaver of his own, now carrying it with me and taking my calls as I vent various frustrations. Having a partner in this has made it easier.

It feels like something about this year is unfinished, and yet, I am excited about where we go from here. Perhaps it had to end this way, with the bittersweet, to make what was coming next all the better. So much about our school lifted my children up. It was the first place to give my son an award, and seeing his face in church when his name was called was something I’ll never forget. The month prior his sister had won it, and he was so proud of her- and so shocked when he got it the next month. The both of them would go on to win various awards. It was also the first place where my son had friends, he had always seen his sister make friends everywhere she went but somehow it always eluded him.

My son starts middle school, which is a wild transition in of itself. Middle school feels like this wide and vast unknown, with so many changes. My daughter will come to school where I work.

My daughter joined a cheer gym this year, created more art, and is finding her voice for justice. I’m just so proud of her. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: she is the little girl I always wanted to be growing up. Me, who was so awkward and shy and lacked any confidence. For that reason, I also empathize with my son, who is the more self-doubting of the two. My son started football- and I was amazed to watch him as he would weave in and out instinctively… looking so much like his father. It gave him a confidence like nothing else before to hear his teammates cheer him on. I can’t wait to see how he grows in that program, I’m just so proud of him.

Last year my son closed out the year with A/B honor roll. My daughter scored high enough to get into the Duke TiP program had it not been closed.

There’s no academic awards this year because we chose to prioritize their mental and physical well-being. That’s not to say that those who ARE getting them are any less, or their parents didn’t look out for their mental and physical well-being, it’s just to say that for us…. this is what the year was. The things we did achieve are amazing- but the biggest thing I’ve learned this year is to give grace to myself and others. Parenting is not a sport. We are not out here trying to out-do one another. One school may fit my kids but it may not be the best for yours- and that doesn’t mean one is better than another.

Let’s say it again: parenting is not a sport. Maybe if we stopped competing with each other then there wouldn’t be a need to send in screenshots to principals, or to be offended when someone blocks someone else on social media, maybe we could just let kids be kids and stop holding in unnecessary stress. No one parent is better than another because of something their child did or did not achieve. If this year didn’t humble you or help you realize this then please take a deep breath and say it to yourself. You made it. You did great! And so did your kids.

Here’s to moving onward and upward… with hope, along with the bittersweet.