I’ll Never Do That…

Note: Josh and I are former co-workers. I asked him to do this because I have watched him grow from the smart-ass wise-cracking co-worker to (still smart-ass) a father and a husband whose Facebook posts are both hilarious and insightful. He is a man of faith and love, and I hope that his insight will help any fathers and men out there along with bringing hope to the single moms out there who are afraid they will not find the guy who will accept them.

Molly

(I dedicate my first post to my dad, who along with my mom showed me what it means to be a husband and a father. And to my brother-in-law, who has an amazing story of fatherhood and adoption himself, but will still make fun of me for doing this.)

I’ll never do that… I would say those are the famous last words of a fool, but they are never really last words, they are usually just the beginning. As, a kid you proudly proclaim, “I’ll never eat Brussels Sprouts” or “I’ll never tell a lie,” but you are usually proven wrong by dinner time. As you get older you say things like, “I’ll never drink” or “I’ll never let someone cheat on me,” but those things are out the door by the time you go to college. As a guy, you do all kinds of things that you said you’d never do when you get into a relationship, and there is a term for that, but it’s not appropriate to use in public forum. Growing up my dad always told me to never say I wouldn’t do something, because as soon as you say never, you’ll find yourself doing it. Of course he was right, but like any other kid I didn’t listen. And now, I thank God every day that I didn’t.

I’ll never have problems in college… This was my biggest “I’ll never” for the longest time. I spent all of middle school and high school taking the hardest classes, playing sports year round, and doing all the extra-curricular activities I could to get into a good school. It paid off, I got into the Air Force Academy. It was a free ride to a great school with a guaranteed job when I was done. Perfect. Unfortunately due to an injury, that didn’t last long and I came on home. When I got back home I went to the only school that still had a spot for me. It wasn’t my “dream school” or even a school that was all that difficult, but when I got there, I struggled. It was probably burn out from never slowing down as a teenager, or maybe it was the parties (nah, it couldn’t be that), but here I was an “Honors” student at an “average” college and I was struggling. Wow, talking about being humbled. I went from “I’ll never struggle in college” to living at home with mom and dad, working a part time job, waiting to get back into whatever college will take me.

It took about a year or so of struggling with a job I hated,  living with mom and dad, and gaining weight for me to have an epiphany. I’ll never forget looking into the mirror thinking, “This has to stop!” There I was an overweight, uneducated, grocery store worker. Not exactly where I thought I’d be in life. I knew things had to change and I spent the rest of my 20’s trying make those changes. I began working hard to get promoted at work. I got back into school and made good grades. I dropped about 80lbs. I found a “real” job and started a career.  I was finally happy with where I was going in life again. All that humility I had gained was (unfortunately) tossed to the wayside. I reached a point in my life where I thought I knew what I wanted in life and I was going after it. I saw all my friends getting married, having kids and I knew that’s what I wanted in life. I had it all planned out. I had rules in my head for what I was looking for in a woman. She had to smart, beautiful, funny, flirty, with long beautiful hair, you know, all the things guys say they are looking for. She had to have a good head on her shoulders and a good job. I wanted someone who knew what they wanted in life just like I did. Most importantly, I said “I’ll never date someone who has been divorced or has kids.” I can’t/won’t deal with all that drama. That’s just not me. So I spent the rest of my 20’s bouncing from long term relationship to long term relationship. Never quite finding “the one”.

Well, from the first few paragraphs, I think you can tell where this is headed. I was able to follow all the rules I set for myself, except one… I had just got promoted to a great job (great is relative in the rental car business) in my own hometown when I ran into an old friend from high school. She was happily married (see the brother-in-law above) and enjoying life. While she waited for her car to get ready we spent a while catching up and talking about old times. My friend, being nosy like most (I said most, haha) women are, asked if I was seeing anyone? It’s the default question to ask any old friend from school that you haven’t seen in a while. I should of known it was coming. I told her no, I was enjoying being single (always a good cover) and she casually mentioned her sister, who was working full time and going to school to be a teacher. Like any good sister, she talked her up. She was pretty and smart. Outgoing and fun to be around. Awesome, right? Now this sounds like someone I may be interested in. Right? But then, the deal breaker. She was divorced with a kid. Ouch. There goes that. I’ll never date anyone who’s been divorced or has a kid. I left it at that.

A few days later my friend came back to return her car and we exchanged pleasantries. Nothing special. I walked her outside where her ride was waiting for her and my life changed. I knew it. I felt it. I can’t explain it, but from the moment I walked out that door everything was different. My friend’s sister had come to pick her up (by her design of course) and life as I knew it was over. We talked a little bit and I tried to play it cool, but I’m sure I was awkward. I know I was. I didn’t even ask for her number. I went back into my office and I was floating. Then it hit me, I’ll never date anyone who’s been divorced or has a kid…  I didn’t know what to do.

I was in love, but I’ll never… What was I going to do? She was “the one”, but I’ll never…  I stayed up all night debating what to do, and as much as a son sometimes hates to admit it, dad was right. Thank God he was. This was the moment that I got rid of the  I’ll never because I was ready for I’ll always… 

I did the only thing I could and added her on Facebook. It was a desperate Hail Mary attempt, but I wanted to get to know her. Friendship request sent. Wait, wait, wait. She accepted! Score! We became friends and I won’t say who Facebook “stalked” who, because that’s still up for debate in our house, but after a few weeks of chatting and texting I was ready to ask her out. I told my mom the situation and she gave me some brilliant advice, “Why don’t you ask them both out?” Ask them both out? Her and her daughter? I don’t know anything about 3 year old little girls.

I was dumbfounded. I could never do that. Boom. Mind blown. I mustered up my courage, took that brilliant advice and ended up falling in love with not just 1, but 2 beautiful ladies, but that’s a story for another time. Needless to say as a husband and father all the I’ll nevers I had in my mind have been thrown out the window.

I’ll never spend my Friday nights playing dolls with a little kid… Done (Hey, a dad has to make his little girl happy.)

I’ll never get my nails painted and wear a tiara… Done (Luckily, I usually get to play Prince Charming).

I’ll never eat Brussels Sprouts as an adult… Done (Begrudgingly, because I can’t make the kids eat them if I don’t, haha).

I’ll never catch vomit with my bare hands… Done (You’ll be amazed at the things you’ll do when you have kids).

So go ahead and say I’ll never do that and see where it gets  you. You might find out your never is what you always wanted…

Josh